


Not my daughter you bastard!

by Queenofthebees



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, Ned feels too old for this, ned cockblock stark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-25
Updated: 2017-10-25
Packaged: 2019-01-22 21:43:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12491484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Queenofthebees/pseuds/Queenofthebees
Summary: Ned supposed he should be thankful that he found out about Sansa’s boyfriend in the good old PG-rated way of her casually mentioning him and asking if he could come over for their annual Easter meal.It was much better than how he had found out that Robb had reached adulthood when he caught his eldest son and Jeyne on the couch one day after he had returned home earlier than expected to get his forgotten Christmas shopping list. Robb had apologised profusely as Jeyne straightened her thankfully-still-on dress.Or the one where Ned can't deal with the fact his kids are all grown up. Especially his precious daughters and those bastards daring to date themresponse to Day 4 Jonsa week prompt: Modern AU





	Not my daughter you bastard!

**Author's Note:**

> I put underage because while this is set in UK where age of consent is 16 (which Arya is here) I know some readers might consider that under-age depending where they live.

Ned supposed he should be thankful that he found out about Sansa’s boyfriend in the good old PG-rated way of her casually mentioning him and asking if he could come over for their annual Easter meal.

It was much better than how he had found out that Robb had reached adulthood when he caught his eldest son and Jeyne on the couch one day after he had returned home earlier than expected to get his forgotten Christmas shopping list. Robb had apologised profusely as Jeyne straightened her thankfully-still-on dress.

But Ned wasn’t letting him off that easy and promptly sat him at the kitchen table and told him the story of how he reckoned Robb had been conceived on said couch, although it could easily have been the table they were sitting at right now too. He never caught Robb and Jeyne in any degree of nakedness around the house again and Ned had decided that he must have imagined the whole thing, a simple nightmare aimed at reminding him that his children would not be children forever.

For three blissful years, Ned had forgotten that his children were growing up. And then he had caught Bran on the computer looking at porn. Ned wondered if there was some sort of bad omen following him because it seemed to be him catching his children in these awkward moments. If Ned had been reasonable, he would have remembered that he had been curious at fourteen too. But then that would mean admitting that Bran was actually fourteen. And Ned didn’t like thinking about how almost all his children were teenagers now. Robb was twenty-two now and that just made him depressed. He had told Bran that God killed a puppy every time he looked at porn but Bran had retorted “well statistically that can’t be right because…” and proceeded to explain there could never be enough puppies being born at any one time to keep up with the sheet amount of porn being watched in any one moment. "And you're an aethist anyway," Bran had added once he was done being all smart-ass. Ned had left then, wondering when his kids had started to become so smart and grown-up. Damn them growing up!

He dreaded the day Rickon was old enough to understand and be curious about sex. Rickon was so unabashed that he would probably keep going whether Ned or anyone else walked in or not. And Ned doubted he would manage to embarrass Rickon with his conception story without getting a cheeky ‘don’t be silly Dad, you would have broken your back if you were doing mum on the counter at that age!’ Thankfully, there was still a couple of years until that dreaded moment.

Ned wasn’t comfortable with any of his children having sex, even his boys. Firstly, because it made him feel fucking old. And well, he was pretty certain he was going to have a heart attack one of these days when he’d probably come home early to find one of them literally banging against the wall. He had been lucky when he walked in on Robb at least as they hadn’t really been undressed, just dishevelled enough to know what they were going to be up to. Ned wasn’t a prude really but he didn’t have to know when his kids were going at it, or anything that reminded him that they weren’t kids anymore. Really, they should take pity on him in his old age!

Arya had been the real shock and to this day Ned still can’t believe he didn’t have a heart attack when his youngest, spirited daughter declared she had a boyfriend. Ned wasn’t entirely sure how he felt about Gendry, who didn’t seem to own a shirt. He assumed Arya was still his Arya, the girl who had gagged every time Sansa had gotten to choose the movie on a Saturday night and had chosen the romance one every time. Gendry was just a friend that Arya had known all her life he kept telling himself. Ned had liked Gendry well enough as a child when he had met Robert’s young lad. But he had owned a shirt then, he remembered.

Catelyn had raised her eyebrows the first time Gendry had followed Arya in to the kitchen in just his jeans, slung low on his hips. Ned had glared over his coffee mug because firstly this implied that Gendry had not only stayed over but that he had been with Arya, given how comfortable she was with him wandering around in his practically naked state. Catelyn clearly hadn’t minded (that bloody no shirt thing probably swayed her, Ned thought grumpily) but he strongly believed he should still at least get the curtesy of being informed when his daughters were being deflowered under his own roof! And equally important was that Ned knew that it wasn’t Catelyn’s disapproving eyebrow rise she had given Gendry, it was her ‘hello there!’ eyebrow rise. Gendry might have been Robert’s son but this was just not acceptable, coming here and stirring up the female blood in his house, the damn nerve of the boy and his Greek god body.

So, when Gendry and Arya had gone out into the garden, Ned had commented that the grass was getting pretty long and maybe he should go and cut it. Catelyn had snorted, eyes not even rising from her paper. Sansa, who had come through for her breakfast in her pink pyjamas and large dog slippers had sighed.

“Don’t embarrass them Dad!” she said as she went to take milk out of the fridge for her cornflakes. Ned had glanced at her and felt a relief that she seemed uninterested in Gendry’s abs of steel. His sweet Sansa, least he knew he could rely on her to not have sex before marriage. Or ever. Actually, never sounded good.

Ned had insisted he really needed to cut the grass, whistling cheerily as Arya glared at him. Gendry had his sunglasses on and those bloody abs on display as he gave Ned a cheery wave back. And well, Ned hadn’t liked that either. Mostly because it reminded him that the only six-pack he had, consisted of the beer cans in the fridge. He knew he was ridiculous, putting his forty-two years, beer belly and greying hair and beard against Gendry but he had made his move now and Ned Stark did not back down!

Later, he had come through to the living room where he found Arya and Gendry (still no bloody shirt!) snuggled up on the couch. He had sat in his armchair, pretending to be interested in the programme, even though he hated the presenter and was pretty sure he had seen scenes from the episode repeated many times before. He made a show of moving his feet onto the footstool and then off it again, sure he was being subtle in reminding them that he was here and he was watching them under the pretence of trying to get comfortable.

Arya had glared at him and Ned had briefly wondered if he should have encouraged her fencing lessons after all.

But now Sansa had joined his other children in rebelling and becoming a goddamn adult instead of his sweet little princess. She looked at her father with her big blue eyes as she asked for this boy, this… this … reprobate to come here and join them for dinner. Well, Ned thought, he wasn’t having it. He was not having another no-shirt, Greek God, man of steel wandering around his house. Absolutely, positively no.

“Of course, dear,” Catelyn said with a smile. “We look forward to meeting him.”

“Yes indeed,” Ned commented brightly.

***

Jon at least owned a shirt, Ned thought when Sansa guided Jon through to the living room to meet her parents. That was at least something.

“He wanted to impress you, be nice!’ Sansa whispered in his ear as she hugged him after she had introduced them. Ned huffed, bristling at the thought that he wasn’t nice. He was nice to his children’s partners. He just didn’t like the idea of them having partners. And this was a totally logical thought to Ned.

“Nice to meet you Sir,” Jon said shyly, holding out his hand. And oh, Ned liked the recognition of authority, his chest puffing out. He quite liked Jon in that moment, as he took his hand. But then he remembered Sansa playing with dolls and that she was probably playing with other things nowadays. And he decided he didn’t like Jon anymore.

Catelyn had tutted when Ned had decided to sit himself in Jon’s seat beside Sansa, claiming he wanted to hear all about her university updates and her submission to Cosmo magazine (even though he had no idea why Cosmo magazine was about fashion and not about science of the universe. Who named these things?) Sansa glared at him before uttering words Ned would forever be hearing in his nightmares.

“It was about sex actually,” she said casually. Jon choked on his water, his face going bright red and his eyes darting between Sansa, Ned and then lowering to the table.

Little bastard, Ned thought.

“I’m joking,” Sansa patted her father’s hand and gave him a small smile. Ned nodded but then he caught Sansa wink at Jon who flushed harder. And oh, so Jon’s game was to try and earn Ned’s trust with shyness while secretly defiling his eldest daughter under his nose! He wasn’t going to stand for this!

“So, Jon,” Ned stated and ignored the groans of Arya and Sansa, the pitying look from Robb and the smirks from Bran and Rickon. Catelyn was in the kitchen still so her all-mighty glare was not here to stop him. “What do you do?” _Apart from my daughter, you little bastard._

“I.. uh…”

Ned narrowed his eyes, readying his judgemental speech about how no daughter of his was going to be with a no-good, lazy _boy_ who couldn’t care for her when Jon continued.

“Well, my Dad works for 4J, the company in Dundee that was involved in developing Minecraft.”

Ned pretended that he knew what this meant with a forced nod. Bran and Rickon chimed a “Aww cool!” in unison. Even Robb looked impressed and that wasn’t good because Robb was supposed to be his ally when it came to Sansa’s virtue.

“I do a lot at the company for him, help test the games and stuff.”

Ah, okay, Ned thought. He knew a bit about gamers, how they spent hours in front of a screen. This was good, Ned continued his thought process. If Jon was preoccupied with his games, Sansa was not being violated by him. This could work, he conceded.

“But my real love is music, I’m in a band with a couple of friends.”

“Awesome!”

Great, now even Arya was on this bastard’s side.

Ned tried not to think about what he knew about band members and women.

Jon was worse than Gendry after all, Ned decided then. Gendry may have won the women around with his abs of steel (he sent the boy a sudden glare at this thought) but Jon had Sansa and Catelyn fawning over him with his Queen inspired ‘I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me!’ act while also winning Arya and his boys around too with some cool-kid jargon.

Bastard, Ned thought again.

***

“Honestly Ned,” Catelyn sighed as Ned headed towards the door of their room for the third time in the hour.

The children were all in bed, Jon and Gendry sharing the spare room. Jeyne hadn’t been able to visit but if she had, Ned would have put her in with Sansa and Arya. Because he was not a hypocrite and wouldn’t actively encourage Robb to dishonour the girl under his roof even if that encounter all those years before had definitely alerted him to the fact it was happening.

“The girls are legally old enough to have sex if they wish,” she continued, not looking up from her book. And Ned whirled around to look at her. What did she mean _legally_? Had those bastards been dishonouring his girls when they were under sixteen. He bet Gendry got out of an offence by showing his abs to a female officer. Jon … he had probably looked sorry for himself or offered a free C.D.

Utter bastards, the pair of them!

Ned huffed, walking out of the room pretending he was heading towards the bathroom again like he had done the first two times, just in case he caught one of those bastards swapping over with one of his daughters! This time though, he knocked on the girls’ door first, opening the door on Sansa’s chime of ‘come in!’

He poked his head around the frame, looking for spare feet poking out the bottom of the bed, or a lump under the covers. But Sansa was sitting, cross-legged on her bed, a poster he assumed was for her university assignment, spread across her duvet in front of her. Arya was lying on her own bed with earphones in her ears, holding a magazine above her head as she read it. Well, the boys wouldn’t be in here if both girls were in here. Oh God, he really hoped they wouldn’t be anyway because that was even worse than the general idea of his girls having sex!

“You okay Dad?” Sansa asked, smiling at him.

“Yup, just wanted to say goodnight honey,” he said brightly. _And making sure you aren’t being violated._

“Night,” she grinned, looking back to her poster. Arya gave a small salute, not really looking at him.

Ned wondered if they would hear him lock their door.

He wondered if Catelyn would kill him for doing it.

He decided to just go back to bed, grumbling under his breath about the two little bastards staying in his house.

***

“Sansa, no!”

Ned paused at the sound of Jon’s voice in the hallway, his hand poised on the door handle of his bedroom as he had been on his way for his morning shower.

“I want you Jon!” Sansa replied and Ned was about to wrench the door open and throw Jon down the stairs when...

“I won’t have our first time be in the shower,” Jon hissed quietly, seeming remembering he was in a house with seven others that might be partial to hearing the conversation. “I want it to be special.”

Ned paused because while he really, really, _really_ didn’t want to think of Sansa having sex right now (…before marriage… _ever_ ) he had to admit, he was happy to hear Jon was treating her with some ounce of respect. As much as a wee bastard like him could anyway.

“And not in your father’s house!”

Ned grinned before he could stop himself. _His_ house. Maybe Jon wasn’t that much of a bastard after all. He at least knew to respect authority and that was something.

“Ned, get away from the door and give them privacy!”

“Yes, dear!”


End file.
